Rode Hard and Put Up Wet

I find myself drawn to people who limp. You know the ones. Life has adjusted them to the reality that there are more questions than answers. They have that rode hard and put up wet look that comes from sleepless nights and pain that can’t be confined to tiny boxes. These folks are good companions for the long haul and in parenting you are going to need a few. While the previous fifty or so years of Christian education for families has worked really hard to give us formulas for raising children and forming families; these formulas didn’t work much of the time. And in some instances they caused great harm.

“Focus on the family good”[i] is just not where most of humanity lives.

Parenting can do a number on human beings. Besides all the selfless physical care that is involved, the fact that children mirror their parents’ faults and insecurities can upend us like nothing else. There are radical joys and times when naked mole rat is the best description.

Parenting has been for me the most spiritually formational element in my life. Parenting has brought me face to face with the unending love of Jesus. Parenting has exposed my selfishness, shortsightedness, and stubbornness, I thought I had hidden neatly away. I have learned to love way more than I thought I was capable of in the way of kindness, hope, patience, and gentleness.

These are hard fought and never expressed without my own limp. I’m a limper, wrestling with God in my own formation through parenting.  Limpers tend to walk in circles, going around the same topic over and over- relearning, deeper and deeper realities. Limpers are slow. We get nowhere fast and we’re usually a little lost. Oh, we’re in the right neighborhood, but we can’t keep up on the main highways.

On this parenting journey you’re going to need a few friends and my advice is to find a limper.

In fact, God chooses the limpers. “For the LORD has chosen Jacob [the Limper] for himself.”- Psalm 135:4a

You are in good company.

[i] This is not a discussion or critique on Focus on the Family. This is a reference to a certain style, perception and expectation of families.

"Still Good" Saturday: In Search of Celebration

This blog was originally posted at www.Renovare.org. Celebration: Knowing that every good gift is from God and a reason to party.

Of all the disciplines I’ve practiced over the years Celebration is the one I have struggled with the most. Celebration often begins with gratefulness, which leads to joy and when done right carries over into a jig.  While I start well, I just can’t seem, with much consistency, to pull off the joy and the jig.

I have spent the majority of my life with children and this is not an issue for them. They are perpetually party ready. I have been to countless tea parties and been asked to dance by people under three foot tall at least twice a week for two decades. But I’m always feeding off their celebration, it’s rarely my own.

Lately though I’ve been paying attention to their partying ways, trying to grab a few bread crumbs from the celebration table. I found that they don’t even count their blessings! For shame, they aren’t even overtly thankful!  After spending an evening with six of my favorite young friends, I realized Celebration begins with an all encompassing sense of safety. These children can party because they feel safe.

Here’s the difference…. When I start to count my blessings, I do begin to feel joy and the jig, but before I can say “party streamers”, my joy is hijacked by the need to feel safe. The “what if’s” begin to ring in my ears, and I’m back where I started.

But my young friends live in the land of safety, they are free to party at a moment’s notice.

Listening to Richard Foster has given me many gifts, but maybe one of the greatest is the saying, “The Kingdom of God is not in danger.”  Dallas Willard often said, “The universe is a perfectly safe place to be.”  Anybody with ears or eyes knows this is crazy talk. The world is not safe– but the kingdom of God is. Our God is a redemptive God and there is nothing he can’t turn around for good- and that’s some serious safety.

So the LORD and I are working this out. I count my blessings and he says, “See, I can be trusted. You are safe.”  I’m going to keep gathering crumbs from my young friends, but I’m also practicing the merengue just in case.

What is the root of celebration in your life?

Tell us about a time you have celebrated with children.

"Still Good" Saturday: Study and Its Faithful Companion--Submission

This blog was originally posted at www.Renovare.org. I knew it was coming and frankly, I couldn’t wait. My children can argue the hind leg off a dog and I was really looking forward to our Ignatian Meditation time with John 2:1-12, the Wedding at Cana. The point of this story is so obvious. I mean it’s so clear, to a mother who after a summer of bickering children hides in the pantry.

When Mary called Jesus’ attention to a chore that needed to be done, he obeyed her. Yes, some might say he gave her a little lip, “Woman, what concern is that to you and to me? My hour has not yet come.” But in the end, he obeyed his mother.

(As as I side note, when I was fantasizing about my children obeying their mother, my fantasy did get away from me and I heard my daughter respond after asking her to clean her room, “Woman, what concern is that to you and me. My hour has not yet come.” I was struck instantly with a migraine and had to lie down.)

I digress. The morning came and we began our usually ritual of reading the scriptures with our senses. And then we asked the Holy Spirit to speak to us. And I told the Spirit, “Here’s your chance to really push that ‘obey your mother’ message.” (Um… yeah, pray for me.) We ended our time together by sharing a word, or a phrase, or an image the Holy Spirit had given us.

Tween daughter, “I love that only the servants and I guess his disciples, and his mom knew.[That he changed water to wine.] He didn’t brag or charge money or tell anyone.”

Newly Nine year old daughter, “I think someone who likes to laugh turns water into wine, not into grape juice.” (Maybe too much TV for this kid.)

Nothing. No one got my message. Instead they got God’s.

A parent must respect the spiritual person of his child, and approach it with reverence, for that too looks the Father in the face and has an audience with Him into which no earthy parent can enter even he dared to desire it.  

-George MacDonald

You see the Tween, she’s been serving at a soup kitchen. And the Newly Nine shares a ritual with her Dad of smelling the corks from wine bottles. They rate them and discuss funny things like, this smells similar to paint thinner, or old socks. These messages from the Holy Spirit are just for them, because he knows their hearts so well.

When we engage in the discipline of study with our children, or even within ourselves, submission must be our ever present companion. It seems so much easier to submit myself to the teaching of the Holy Spirit than it is to submit my children.

In my greatest moments I want them to learn directly from God; I want to be looked through— a transparent parent, pointing the way, not becoming it.

"Still Good" Saturday: Guidance Through Incarnation

This blog was originally posted at www.Renovare.org Our child friendly definition of guidance is this: listening to the counsel of God and others who love us.

Each night before I go to bed, I go outside and make a last check of all the animals. Here in the country there are no outside lights. Robert Frost is right, “the woods are lovely dark and deep,” but I would like to add that without a light, they are dangerous. Sometimes my fears are real, like that coyote that I hear howl as I make my rounds, and sometimes they are imagined—the branches that look like monsters ready to pounce. However if I grab a flashlight as I head out the door all things change. I know where I am at all times, wild animals generally run from light, and those imaginary monsters simply don’t exist. Guidance is a light. Often through the scrip­tures God lights our paths, through the advice of others he keeps us safe. This is the receiving end of guidance.

The “dishing it out” side is another story. As a parent and a teacher let me just lay all my cards on the table and say guidance is tough stuff. It requires so much energy! It is messy. And sometimes it’s heartbreaking.

As a teacher I can bark orders and give guidance from a distance. I can keep myself separate by only caring about what goes on at school, issuing assignments and grades like a well oiled machine. But no one actually learns anything of value and the distance is unmistakable.

As a parent I can also bark orders and give guidance from a distance. I can be unmovable, issuing the wages of good and bad behavior, all the while muttering under my breath, “Do as I say, not as I do.” But children won’t “Do as I say, not as I do”; they will do as I do. Children will try an array of creative techniques to fill in the relational space they feel.

Guidance through incarnation looks completely different. Jesus gives us the perfect picture.  Jesus says, “Do as I do,” and then he takes it even further, “Do as I do… and here, let me help you.” And with that he stepped forever into humanity with hands on guidance. He gave us proximity.

Incarnation is God stepping into humanity, and a result is presence—proximity. “The Kingdom of God is here,” is a declaration of proximity.  Jesus declares proximity without pretension. We are still free to shun his guidance, but he won’t leave, he won’t abandon. Our sensibilities may be dulled to this gift of proximity, but he is always there.

As parents we can participate in incarnation through our presence. Like Jesus we offer our presence, even when our guidance is rejected. We cannot do it without the strength of the Spirit. We need this incarnation as well as offer it.

Today, how is God calling you to guide your children through incarnation?

"Still Good" Saturday: "An Ounce of Pretension is Worth a Pound of Manure"*

This blog was originally posted at www.Renovare.org. Over chocolate toast this morning, (Hey, It’s a birthday breakfast—cut us some slack.) the girls and I engaged in a little Ignatian meditation on John 1:43-51. After exploring what we saw, heard, taste, touched and felt within the passage, we began to focus on what the Holy Spirit was saying specifically to us.

The Birthday Girl said, “There are angels everywhere! I mean everywhere! They are bringing buckets of help from heaven all the time.”

The Tween said, “I really have no idea. I’ll have to think about this all day.”

And myself, well, I was speechless. I was convicted.

Is there something about Jesus’ declaration that in Nathanael there is no deceit–

connected to Nathanael’s statement about the shenanigans of Nazareth that in turn is–

connected to Nathanael’s declaration and belief in the Son of God?

Children are born without duplicity. They are what they are, and it all hangs out at the Walmart. A person without duplicity would easily say, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Nathanael is not playing to the crowd, he is not trying to please or deceive anyone. His life drips with simplicity. And from that simplicity he was able to spot the truth, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!”

Simplicity helps us see clearly. Duplicity clouds our vision with expectation, fear, and worry.

A person without duplicity, a person without deceit, is the one who can spot the truth and follow it. A person without duplicity, a person without deceit, can be vulnerable in a relationship with God and with others.

The young folks who live in my house and raid my chocolate stash are under the sphere of my influence. I can create spaces where they choose to engage deceit, or duplicity just to survive. Or I can create spaces that are safe places to be who they are, to say what they think, to tell the truth about themselves and tell the truth about God.

There are many way to create these healthy, simple spaces.

• Give children a growing self government. Train them for increased independence.
• Be available and vulnerable. Tell the truth about yourself.
• Offer children the same respect you would give an adult.
• Listen and encourage truth telling even when it may not be what you want to hear.
• All of the above suggestions are found in Richard Foster’s The Challenge of the Disciplined Life

*To quote the theologically sound movie Steel Magnolias, “An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.”

I’m carrying this around today, asking for forgiveness and starting again.

How do you create these safe, simple spaces in your home?

*It’s a joke.  I have no idea if it’s theologically sound or not. But it’s a darn good movie on truth telling in relationships.

When Time Out Doesn't Work

Same rules as before. Please comment. Ask questions. Disagree. But be kind. Always be kind. Last week when we were chatting about discipline, I was emailed a question. "Since you took spanking off the table in your home, did you replace it with Time Out?"

Well, Yes and No. When we keep in mind that discipline is the opportunity to learn how to govern, placing children in arbitrary Time Out just to punish them, does little long term good. We must (as discipline providers--go ahead, put that on your resume) keep in mind our motive. Why are we dispensing discipline?

Here are just a few responses I've heard and some I've thought... because the world is hard and they need to be tough... because everyone has to pay for their mistakes.... because I must even the score.... because If I spare the rod, my child will be spoiled....because it's expected of me.... because I love my child...because they must learn justice.**

Take a bit of time today and ask yourself why you discipline your children. Invite the Holy Spirit to guide your thinking and show you the truth of your heart. There are lots of reasons why parents choose to discipline, and thinking about why we do this will help us use it with wisdom and compassion. In addition we can take our motives (we usually have more than one) and check them with the motives of Jesus. Luke is 24 chapters, read one a day with the questions in mind, "Why is Jesus doing this?" "What is his motive?" Luke. specifically, gives us the most stories with children.

When I used Time Out in the same manner I was using spanking, by harnessing fear to manipulate, I got the same crappy results. I may have compliance when I'm present, but all out Lord of the Flies in my absence. Fear works best if the "enforcer" is present.  I want my children to be able to govern themselves whether I'm present or not.

However, Time Out can be used as a wonderful space for solitude and silence.  When I turned the Time Out space into a Sacred Space everything changed. In our Sacred Space we placed a battery powered lantern, a few reflective children's books*, paper and crayons. We housed these things in a Sponge Bob, Square Pants tent we found at a yard sale.  The "rule" went something like this. When a child was fighting with a sibling I said, "I think you might need some Tent time?" Or When a child was having a melt down, or when I was having one, "Tent time?"

We weren't kicking them out of the family for their behavior instead we were inviting them into a space with God, where the Spirit could do what the Spirit does best, comfort and convict. I will say I think it helped that I modeled what this could look like. If I needed a break I went to the Tent. When I came out and joined the family, sometimes I offered apologies other times I returned with a better disposition. The kids followed suit.

After only a few weeks the children were initiating their Tent time. They began to go on their own when they knew they were struggling, it continues to this day. We have switched things out over the years, as the kids have matured. Finally, the SBSP Tent died (Thank God!) and was replaced with a special chair. Prayer beads and a Jesus Journal (a notebook where we write things we need to say to Jesus) have replaced the books and crayons. We especially love to pray with labyrinths.***

A Sacred Time Out Space will not meet all your discipline needs. This is not a one size fits all children, parents, or situations. We remember that these are just tools. Tools to help our children learn to govern themselves and tools to help them lean into their God who loves them very much.

*We really loved these books in our Tent.

http://www.amazon.com/Psalms-Children-Marie-H-eacute-egrave/dp/0802853226/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1412182716&sr=8-1&keywords=psalms+for+young+children

http://www.amazon.com/Images-Young-Children-Marie-Helene-Delval/dp/0802853919/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412182716&sr=8-2&keywords=psalms+for+young+children

http://www.amazon.com/Gods-Dream-Archbishop-Desmond-Tutu/dp/0763633887/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1412182716&sr=8-3&keywords=psalms+for+young+children

**As an aside teaching justice is important. It is very important if we want our children to go out into the world and be advocates of justice, by supporting and loving and speaking for the least of these. Justice, though, can be taught without fear. (That's for another blog post.)

***We like this one. As we move to the center of the circle we talk to God. As we move outward, we listen.

http://www.relax4life.com/finger-labyrinths.html

Sappy Parenting Poems

I came across these today. Poems I wrote when my bigger people were little-er. Back when sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuation were constant companions. Good Times. Maybe they will resonate with you, too.

Popsicles In The Bathtub

Aside from all the other reasons they're magnificent Today they shared a popsicle in the bathtub Soapy smiles licking on orange coldness in the temperate safety of a warm bathtub A lick for you - A lick for me Orange tongues enjoy the rare treat of a Popsicle in Winter What fun on a snowy day

Sleepy Smiles

Sleepy smiles from under the red checked blanket Sleepy smiles sent from the land of soured milk jammies Sleepy smiles like strawberry candies in a usually empty candy dish

Never more than now

Never more than now Do I feel the soft And steady Weight of my treasure

Not a burdensome weight Not a weight to regret taking

But a delightful needing to be needed

Mine Just to Borrow

Counted and kissed her ten tiny toes Tickled her feet and wiped her nose She smells so sweet

Her eyes brown like Daddy's Her cheeks chubby like mine

I pray her heart will be like yours Good and honest Brave and True Full of love for all But love especially for You

You know how many wrinkles in her hands How many smiles in a day You know all the beautiful thoughts she will think All the wonderful things she will say You know her You made her

I need love to mold her Knowledge to teach her Wisdom to guide her Such an amazing gift given to me Such an awesome responsibility

Remind me, Life is short, filled with joy and sorrow And that she is only mine to borrow

the Law of Kindness

I appreciate the vocabulary my son is gaining from our Good Dirt devotions. We’ve been in conversation a lot recently about living God’s Way and the idea of turning the other cheek causes eyes to open wider and wheels to turn in the brain. There are many times when such conversations end in ways I wish they didn’t - “No, mom, I don’t do that”. But I know that each and every conversation works in his heart and they’re all important. Kingdom Living – Lord, teach me Your ways. I want to walk in Your Truth.

Our son’s favourite questions at the end of the day are the ones that ask “When did you feel joy or sorrow today?” For some reason, these speak his language and capture his attention. All the other questions are “hard questions”. One night after brushing his teeth he asked, “Ok, mom, is it time for when you have joy?” It took me a second to understand but the cool thing about that question is that the answer is always “yes, son”. Even in the midst of sorrow, there can be joy. The answer is always “yes”.

Kingdom Living – Lord, let Your joy remain in me so that my joy may be full.

Living life as an expat offers plenty of opportunity for us to show kindness when we don’t feel like it. Perhaps those opportunities abound regardless of circumstance or situation. But it feels amplified out here as a foreigner. I have more conversations with my son about showing kindness than any other thing. Multiple conversations – daily. His enemy: Grandmas (Halmoni). They travel in armies and they all want to touch his sweet face and ask him how old he is. Many of them don’t know kindness the way we would expect the elderly to know kindness and so I feel it is important to share what we have in our heart through our smiles and bows. Oh, but it’s hard when you really don’t want to!

Is kindness required of us whether we want to show it or not!?

This week, kindness was the main topic of conversation during devotions because we kept being asked what Jesus’ life was showing us about His Kingdom. Ah, Kindness. Finally, my son, still fighting the battle in his mind about when kindness is warranted, says “Kindness fills you right up and makes all the bad in you go away.” The selfishness. The need to be right. The need to ‘have enough’. Kindness causes us to share and to give of ourselves. Oh sweet boy, you’ve given me something to think about for a while. Thank you.

Kindgom Living – Lord, let Your Kindness dwell in my heart so that I may have the Law of Kindness on my tongue

-tamara

"Still Good" Saturday: The Very Best Way to Be Human

This blog was originally posted at www.Renovare.org. “Please don’t leave your gum on the table.”

“In our house, we don’t call people fat.”

“The goat cannot come inside.”

“Use your fork, please, not your fingers.”

“Spitting from the balcony doesn’t make friends.”

In all homes there are rules; rules that make living together possible and on many days pleasant. Recently, I was reading Rob Bell and Don Golden’s book called Jesus Wants to Save the Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile. In this book they write about the Jews being rescued from Egypt and how when they finally made it out, God gave them the Ten Commandments to teach them how to be human again. As slaves they were treated like things, property to be owned and manipulated, but as free people now they would need to learn to govern themselves.

Learning to govern ourselves well is the fullness of humanity. As a side note that is particularly central, learning to govern ourselves greatly affects those around us for good or ill.

But what does governing ourselves well, look like?

Jesus tells us, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’Matthew 22:37-39

Dallas Willard often said the question of how to live a good life is a question we are born asking. Children want to know how to live a good life. Like the Jews we need to learn, and continue to learn, how to live in the fullness of what God created us to be—human. The Ten Commandments do just that. They show us how to live the very best way. They are stepping stones, path markers that show us the good, true, and safe path that many have followed before us.

There are various rules in my household, but not many of these will carry over when my children leave home. For example, they may not have a goat or a balcony for that matter. But they will always be human, and the Ten Commandments will teach them the very best way to be just that.

Here are two good books for learning together the very best way to be human.

The Ten Commandments by Sophie Piper http://www.paracletepress.com/the-ten-commandments.html

This small book presents the Ten Commandments one at a time while drawing on passages from the Psalms, Proverbs, the prophets and Jesus. It’s poetic and thoughtful, filled with insight. The illustrations are lovely. I have found myself returning to this book as a reminder of God’s great love and purpose for human beings.

The Three Questions written and illustrated by Jon J. Muth

This beautiful picture book addresses the three great questions, "When is the best time to do thing?" and "Who is the most important one?" and "What is the right thing to do?" It is based on a story by Leo Tolstoy.

May you join with your children and lean deeply into who God created you to be-- human.

Some Thoughts on Discipline: Part 3

*Welcome to our respectful discussion. No poo throwing! If you insist on poo throwing I will honor those around you by deleting your post. *This discussion has three parts. Part 1: Honor This Child was posted on Tuesday. Part 2: Train Them to Govern Themselves was posted on Wednesday. Part 3: My Spanking Story is posted today. I'm glad you're here.

Part 3: My Spanking Story

Due to a player in the NFL using a switch on his child, spanking is in the headlines once again. The web is full of experiences and opinions. I am also going to share my experience and opinion. But before I do, I want to encourage you as you struggle and question. Perfect parenting has always been a myth. Having all the answers has always been a myth. No one is a perfect parent and no one has all the answers. Every loving parent struggles, questions, and makes mistakes. I think God intends it this way. Parenting exposes our inadequacies like nothing else. Parenting teaches us that we need help. Take your struggles to God, wrestle with them, and sometimes even wrestle with God. You may walk away with a limp, but you will also leave with humility and guidance. (Not a bad trade for my money.)

I am not going to tell you what to do about spanking, but I encourage you to move away from popular opinion, even move away from how you were parented, and seek God in this decision. Bring your concerns to God, pray, struggle, study and struggle some more. Here are a few resources that have helped me along the way. It is my prayer they help you too.

• The Child in Christian Thought, edited by Marcia J. Bunge. This book has a wealth of information and critical thought. It is not based on pop culture; it is based on history. It will be worth your while to work though.

• The Busy Family’s Guide to Spirituality by David Robinson This book looks at the family as a community of people walk together with God. I like that.

Also if you would like to check out other views on the "spare the rod, spoil the child" Proverb, these are helpful.

http://www.stophitting.com/index.php?page=faithmaterial

http://www.thomashaller.com/PAbiblicalperspectivesonspanking.html

A Confession (as I take a deep breath...)

I had been thinking about it for some time. Even while I spanked my children I was thinking about it. To be clear: the spanking I visited upon my children consisted of an open-handed swat to the rear end. Spanking meant something more severe in my family of origin, so this was seen as doing “not much.” But even the little I was doing was weighing on my mind and heart. One Lenten season the weight was too much. As had been my custom during Lent I was meditating on the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. My mind was going through all that he accomplished that day, the truths found in every theory of atonement. There is so much! But there was one new connection that took me by surprise to such an extent, I changed my parenting completely.

It was like a flash of revelation where one minute I was thinking about the cross and the next minute the cross was connected to Exodus 21:24, “an eye for an eye.” The next minute my mind jumped to Matthew 5:38, “turn the other cheek. “ I understood in a split second Jesus’ act on the cross put an end to violence as an acceptable response.

I wondered if this wasn’t a progressive plan the Trinity hatched up in the beginning. Knowing that human kind had devolved to such a state, it would take baby steps to move us to stop hurting each other. The first baby step for our learning to love was to limit revenge killing. The “eye for an eye” rule meant that families couldn’t wipe out a whole clan out of revenge for a smaller infraction. “An eye for an eye” was an act of limiting a violent response. Jesus then took it another baby step further by telling us, “Don’t return the violent act at all, instead turn the other cheek.” Finally, in an act to end all violence, he gave his life. One last violent act to end them all.

I wrestled with this revelation. First I wrestled with how this would impact my children. Then I wrestled with what my extended family would think. In the end I decided that I had to follow the Good Shepherd. I had to follow the guidance I’d been given. So one day I gathered my daughters, and with tears streaming down my face and my head in my hands, I confessed. “Girls, I’m sorry I spanked you. I mean I’m sorry I’ve been spanking you all along. God has helped me to see that I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

My eldest daughter ran to my side and gathered me into her arms and said, “I forgive you mom.” My other daughter came by my side as well. She said, “Well this is certainly something you don’t hear every day.” (That kid’s comedic timing is fantastic.)

Not everyone is going to agree with my decision or my theology. I’m okay with that. I’m only asking that we all think about this. I’m asking that we consider other options, that we study, and that we wrestle. I believe our children are worth that.

So how to discipline when spanking is off the table? Each child is different and each home is different and that is right and good.

Perhaps a few guidelines might help.

• Remember to honor your children. Even in disciplining, honor them.

• Remember you are training your children to govern themselves. You are aiming for increased independence, Most important, you are training them to have their very own relationship with God. Consider this fact with each discipline decision you make.

• Fear has never been a lasting motivator. It may work momentarily, but it fades pretty quickly. Love though? Love is a great motivator and it does actually move mountains.

• Take a bit of time to reflect before doling out discipline. Don’t be in a hurry. Think it through. The kids can wait. It will drive them nuts, but they’ll learn.

• Be consistent. Whatever you do decide, follow through. This is part of honoring them, being a person of your word.

• Let grace and mercy flow. Read and reread the Gospels. Let the mind and heart of Jesus work its way into yours. This will help shape your responses to be like his would be if he were you and parenting your kids.

Although this post has gone on for days, it is woefully inadequate. I wish we could sit together at my kitchen table and discuss our struggle and our hope. In the absence of that, I pray that these words have given guidance and a place to start.

May I offer you and your children a blessing?

May the Lord bless you and keep you;

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you;

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.

Some Thoughts on Discipline: Part 2

*Please be aware: This is day two of a respectful discussion here. No poo throwing! If you insist on poo throwing I will honor those around you by deleting your post. *You have joined  a discussion on discipline Part 1: Honor This Child was yesterday. Part 2: Train Them to Govern Themselves is today. Part 3: My Spanking Story will be posted on Thursday.

Part 2: Train Them to Govern Themselves

Effective discipline has a purpose and it’s not to control children. It is to teach them to govern themselves. This image of God that children bear is not static. Being made in the image of God means that human beings have a drive to choose for themselves. We come with a drive—a compelling desire— to govern. During a conversation with a friend about his nine-month-old daughter he said, “Her will is already coming out!” He was right. His daughter was born with a will, and God gave it to her. God, who created her will, has no desire to break it (Matthew 12:20). He does desire that she learn to link up her will with his and become a force for good. A while back it was a favorite saying that parents must break the spirit or the will of the child. We have no right to break something that isn’t ours and that we didn’t create. This is the epitomé of “trespassing” (Matthew 6:12). The famous Scripture verse Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV). As parents our job (bad pay, no insurance or retirement— I know!) is to train our children. We are training them to not be obedient automatons, but to be a force for goodness in the world.

My question from yesterday, “How do I honor my children?” today becomes, “How do I train my children to govern themselves?” Training, like honoring, is hard work.

I know one thing: The key to training is consistency.

If I want my kids to brush their teeth every day I have to train them. Every day. I have to show them that I indeed brush my teeth. I have to expect that they will brush theirs. I have to make sure they have the tools: brushes, paste, and water. I need to check and make sure that they are doing it. When they are young I will have to do it with them, and even sometimes when they are older and have started slacking off.

Now think of it in terms of training kids to getting along with a sibling. I have to show them that I indeed get along with others too. (Here’s another thing I know: More is caught than taught. If we want to know what our “big sin issues” are, we just have to watch our kids, who often pick up some of the worst of our behaviors.) I have to expect that they will get along with others. I have to make sure that they have the tools to get along with others. I need to check in and see how their relationships are going. When they are young I will have to intervene in a lot of sibling squabbles, not to hand out punishment, but to show them what getting along looks like. As they grow older and their abilities to govern themselves increase, I’m backing off.

All kids are different so each child is going to need to be trained in ways that fit their particular needs. We have a saying in our house that goes something like “Fairness isn’t everybody getting the same. Fairness is everybody getting what they need.” This is a more mature view of fairness than most kids have, and my children (okay: me too) are growing into it. As we train our children for growing independence, as we train them to govern themselves, we have to keep in mind that they are each “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and oh-so–different from one another. The techniques that work for one really well may not help another as much.

As my friend, Kevin, recently pointed out parents are different too. We also have our own personalities and temperaments. We need to be self-aware enough to know what discipline techniques we can actually administer. For example chore charts and stickers and elaborate reward systems are not for me. I can't keep up with my keys, this would burden me to death. But it does work for some, and I'm cheering for them.

What happens when children question and attempt to subvert our training? (Well, first, I have a glass of port. Ha!) One of our kids is a questioner. It seems since birth she has been questioning our decisions. Mostly she is respectful. Mostly she does what we ask. But constantly she questions. At first I thought I was going to go crazy. Then I had a short phase (thank God for its being short) when I thought it was disrespectful for her to question me. Finally it occurred to me that I want her to learn to question, as well as to do as she is asked.

Teaching children to submit to authority without question leaves our children open to danger. The people who take authority in her life won’t always have her very best good in mind, and in those cases she needs to know how to question. She needs to know how to rebel. Constant submitting without question also does not teach her to govern her own life. If our decisions don’t make sense to her, she should question. God has given her a mind and heart and he fully expects her to use it. Teaching her wisdom is also part of training her to govern herself.

Here are some of the ways we try to teach her wisdom in her questioning. (Our daughter is 13, so we’ve been working up to this for 13 years. Don’t expect your 7 year-old to pull this off. But this is what we are working toward. Heck some days I’m still working on this!)

• Her argument must be clear and honest.

• She must honor the image of God in the person she’s speaking to.

• In the end she must seek the guidance of God and do what he says.

Questions and actions for consideration

Pause for just a second. Take a deep breath. Reflect on your recent interactions with your children. Pick one that stands out. Ask yourself: was my goal to train my children to govern themselves?

You may find yourself chest deep in a sea of guilt. Will you let me offer you a life line? God is not for guilt. God is for learning to walk with him. Please take a minute and read Psalm 23, aloud. Yes, aloud. You need to hear that the Good Shepherd travels this road with you and your children. You are learning together, and the Good Shepherd is with you.

Parenting is a hard job. Ask God to give you a little grace, a little break, a little mercy. He longs to lavish these, I think, especially on parents. He knows it’s a hard job. He’s a parent too.

Some Thoughts on Discipline: Part 1

*Please be aware: I am opening up a respectful discussion here. No poo throwing! If you insist on poo throwing I will honor those around you by deleting your post. *This turned into a topic I couldn't blog about in just one day. So this will have three parts. Part 1: Honor This Child is posted on Tuesday. Part 2: Train Them to Govern Themselves will be posted on Wednesday. Part 3: My Spanking Story will be posted on Thursday.

Some Thoughts on Discipline

I’m approaching this topic with an enormous amount of fear and trepidation. I’m not so great with conflict and there has been a boat load of conflict over this issue. I also do not want to be seen as presenting myself as an authority on child raising. Like you, I do the best I can. Like you, I pray and pore over these topics. Like you, I make my fair share of mistakes and ask forgiveness both from God and from my family. I don’t have a 1, 2, 3 plan for easy discipline. I also don’t have all the answers. Mostly I have questions and I have a sense of the image of God that has been placed in each child. Each of the following sections is more like something for you to pray about and bring before God. If God had made automatons instead of human beings, there could be a one-size-fits-all approach to raising children. But if you are a parent you have already learned this gig isn’t going to be quick or easy. This is going to take some wrestling, some soul searching and as much of the Holy Spirit as you can stand.

Part 1: Honor this Child

How should we treat a person who bears the image of God? Each human being bears the image of God, every single one (Gen. 1:26, 27). That doesn’t mean that they won’t fight against this fact, or covered it up as fast as possible, but it does mean that each person deserves the highest honor. Yes, honor. The child who keeps wiping their boogers on your shirt deserves honor. If we believe that adults are always better or higher up in the hierarchy, honoring children just might sound wrong.  Jesus, though, turned that system on its head (Matthew 25:31-46). Jesus intentionally brings a child into the midst of adults and honors her (Mark 10:13-16, Luke 18:16, Matthew 19:14). Please hear me that it does no good to romanticize children or childhood. They aren’t perfect little angels or miniature gods. Instead let’s look honestly at how we honor (not worship, or falsely inflate)our children.

The question I ask myself is “How do I honor my children? How do I ascribe them the dignity they are due?” Here are a few practical ways I strive to do this:

• When they are present do not speak about them as if they are not there.

• Do not call them derogatory names.

• Do not speak about them to someone else unless they have given permission.

• Make every effort to keep my word to them.

• Ask their opinion on things that include them and some that don’t. (It doesn't mean I have to follow their suggestions. It means I ask and then listen.)

• If they are reaping a consequence, let them reap it. I honor the choice they made and the consequence involved. Giving them grace may not be protecting them from consequences of their choices but instead walking the consequence out with them. Walking the consequence out with them teaches kindness and compassion.

• Tell them the truth, refusing to bend it in order to manipulate them to my will.

In essence I endeavor to treat them as I would any other person I respect.

And let me make the obvious point: they are much more likely to honor you if you have set the standard of honor in the home. Let me also say that my oldest daughter is only 13, so I have yet to really put some miles on this approach. But how many times have I heard my children say, “You say I shouldn't do it, but you do it!” How I behave is observed and mimicked by them. If I set the standard at dishonor, I can for certain expect to receive it. God honored children when he made them in his image. He could have waited until they became adults. (The ancient Romans had a few beliefs along these lines.) But he didn't. At their very beginning, at our very beginning, we are given honor. By God, no less.

Lastly, what do we do if we realize we haven’t been honoring our children? We ask forgiveness. There are few things more powerful in the world than a parent asking forgiveness from her/his children. I will never forget hearing my mother ask my forgiveness.

You might say something like, “(Child’s name), I haven’t been very honoring of you lately. When I did (confess the incident in detail) I didn’t honor you. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” This is the gate to the road of honor.

Further, I have invited my children to tell me when they don’t feel I’m honoring them. (Seriously. Ouch.) Mostly they have been right on, though sometimes the problem is miscommunication rather than dishonor. But boy, has this brought me to the throne of God as I ask him to change me into someone who honors others!

Questions and actions for consideration

So how about it? What are your thoughts? Does this sound right to you?

Think about your actions over the course of this day. Where and when did you choose to honor your children?

"Still Good" Saturday: First Days of Fall

This blog in its original form was posted at www.Renovare.org. I live in the mountains. While mountains are beautiful and awe-inspiring; they are not known for their marvelous soil.  Gardening in the mountains can be a chore. The warmer seasons are short and the soil is shockingly pitiful.  Sticky clay and buckets of rocks are obstacles. Nevertheless, I’m a sucker for Fall. Fall’s sunny days combined with the crisp bite in the air send me over the edge. I buy fruit trees, plant tulips, daffodils, and every variety of garlic I can find. My family stands on the deck watching me and prays for my sanity.  And in case you think they are mistaken, I also head to town, back seats of my mini-van removed, to hold as many bags of leaves people will let me have. Yes, I go door to door asking for the leaves, they have bagged up. Yes, people look at me strange. And yes, my kids hide; but it’s all in the name of hope. Hope that the work done in preparation will bear fruit, hope that what is done in secret (underground during the winter), will pay off. Fall is my favorite season. We plant hope in Fall.

Today my seven year old helped. We pulled weeds, mulched soil, and finally tenderly planted at least 50 bulbs. My spirit soared! The kid, of course, asked me, “Just what are we doing?” I said, “We’re going underground!” These lovelies won’t see the light again until spring. Instead they will do all of their growing underground, the most important work they do will happen where we can’t see.

Isn’t it similar with our children? We work the soil, we plant the seed, and we hope. (Hebrews 11:1, 2 Corinthians 4:18) With dirt on my hands, and Fall on my mind, I think about the soul soil of my children; it’s about going underground.  I reevaluate our family rhythm.  Several years ago we posted a “Vow of Service,” for our family. (I borrowed it from Richard Foster’s book, The Challenge of the Disciplined Life.) Serving is the underground, root growing, soul feeding work in families. This is the Vow of Service Foster writes...

How do we as parents serve our children?

• We serve them by providing purposeful leadership.
• We serve them through compassionate discipline.
• We serve them by giving them a growing self-government. We train our children for increased independence.
• We serve them by being available and vulnerable.
• We serve them by respecting them.
• We serve them by introducing them to the spiritual life.

How do children serve their parents?

• Children serve their parents by being obedient.
• Children serve their parents by respecting them.
• Children serve their parents by meekly refusing to do what is clearly destructive.
• Children serve their parents by caring their needs when the dependency roles are reversed.

Reflect on your family rhythm in light of  this Vow. Are there some areas that could use some attention? Bring these to the God and know he longs to help.

Conflict: A Story of Transformation

Dealing with conflict has been a weak spot for the majority of my life.  Conflict mostly occurs when my will is called into question. Whether what I want is for the good of others or the good of me; conflict happens when what I want done is questioned or not carried out.  Explaining conflict as a proverbial “run in with a bull”, the first two and a half decades of my life could be characterized as “shooting the bull.” My parents were also were bull shooters.* They didn't just take the bull by the horns; they resorted to shooting the bull; domineering a situation and/or persons until their way or will was the only one present. This was my way. I do possess Empathy, which doesn't mean I actually feel the same feelings as someone else, it means I often know what others are thinking and feeling. Not in a creepy mind reader sort of way, but quite practically, when your parents are bull shooters, you learn to read body language, tone of voice, and nuance like reading a book, because in fact you don’t want to be shot. However this “strength” can also be used against people, knowing (or having a pretty good hunch) what other people are thinking or feeling can be used to manipulate for my own good, not the good of another.  In my own way I learned to shoot the bull.

In the third decade-ish of my life two things changed my approach. 1. I learned that shooting the bull didn't exactly work. 2. I began to realize how I had hurt people. I wanted to be like Jesus and I found out I wasn't. So under the counsel of some well meaning ladies; I was taught that a godly woman always submits in conflict. I call this period, “being run over by the bull.”

I kept my Empathy strength to myself, and avoided conflict like the plague.  While for certain Christians are called to submit, this was at the cost of my true self.  Total submission in conflict (squashing my true self) was far from peaceful. Resentment and anger were just below the surface, and sometimes would break the surface in a manner unfortunate to behold.

In decade number four-ish, I began to wonder if there was another way.

About seven years ago through some teachings on love and conflict I began to think about the definition of love being “to will the good of another.”(Dallas Willard)

Everyone knows the passages in 1 Cor. 13 and 1 John 4 on love, and of course the fruit (evidence) of the Spirit is love Gal. 5, but I never thought to meditate upon them in light of conflict and with the definition that love is “to will the good of another.” Over the course of a few years I started to reflect on this before responding, when faced with a conflict.

Sometimes the very best good of another is to engage in the conflict in the most loving manner I can.

Sometimes loving another means making space for the will of another, submission.

Conflict is becoming a way to know the will of another (because listening is perhaps the most important step). It is also becoming a practice in discernment (listening to the Spirit), knowing if I am to lay my own will down, or if I should indeed, pick it up. I am learning that even if I have a loving intention doesn't mean things will work out.

I am learning to accept that I will be misunderstood, Jesus was. I have to let that go.  I am not in charge of outcomes.

This process for me is an exercise in the converging of my emotional life (exposed by conflict) and a contemplative (listening, reflecting) approach that is melding into life transformation.

What about you? How do you approach conflict? How we handle conflict in the intimate setting of our families is formational, for good or ill. What does conflict look like in your home?

* I want to add that my parents have also been transformed by a life with Christ and they no longer are "bull shooters." In fact one reason I believe that we can be changed by Christ is because I have witnessed it in my parents.

Beauty-Full

This weekend I attended an overnight retreat with some ladies from our church. It was a much needed breath of fresh air for me. It hasn't been a glorious week or month or probably even year of me being gracious and kind to my closest people. The speaker at the retreat has written a book entitled "Pursue the Intentional Life". This seems to be what God is his gentle voice is reminding me. To intentionally see... each person, each circumstance, each emotion, each pain, each pleasure-to be in the moment, whether happy or painful. The theme verse was Psalm 90:12... Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. The inspiration for her book came from an epiphany that she had when she was 50 years old. She wondered what kind of old woman she would be. She realized that she would be the same kind of old woman as she is young(er) woman- only intensified. Making this assessment of my own life I definitely see some places I do not want to intensify as I age. I see some anger and walls that I have built to protect my heart that will only get bigger, thicker, tougher to tear down.

She encouraged us to intentionally think about the rest of our lives and how we want it to be. I want to be able to look back on my life and see a woman who lived for and loved Jesus above all else but loved others too. One who was encouraging and kind. One who was a positive person and more often than not saw the good not the bad in people. One who loved her husband, family well.

A favorite quote from her book is "God is not asking me to number my days to increase my pace but rather to examine my route, not to increase my efficiency but to see where I must make course corrections in heart, character, and actions. If I step back and take a look at my past days, I see a few places where I need to make a course correction if I want my epitaph to be what I want it to be.

Martin Luther defined beauty as a "Deluge of Grace". I love that. I want to be a graceful woman of God. I want to be a grace-FULL woman of God. I choose to do the opposite in times of distrust and anger. I choose to speak and know truth in the presence of lies and deception.  I choose to keep my mouth shut when I am "right" and feel the need to be justified. I choose to love in times of hurt. I choose to not only see beauty I choose to BE beauty to others-to be a "deluge of grace". I choose to pursue an intentional life in the kingdom of God and not "fritter away my life."

"Still Good" Saturday: Children Listening to God

This blog was originally posted at www.Renovare.org. I have a singer. She is six, almost seven, wants a pocket knife, and sings constantly.  She shares a bedroom with her sister. And one day it was more than her sister could take. The overheard conversation went like this: Introverted sister who loves quiet: “Please just shut up for a few minutes. Can’t we have one morning that you don’t sing.” Not so introverted singer: “When I was a baby God sang to me, I remember. He taught me to sing. And I’m gonna sing.”

Is this true? Frankly, I don’t know, I wasn’t involved in the conversation. Does she sometimes sing just to irritate her sister, certainly. Does she believe that God really spoke through song to her, absolutely.  She says she knows it.  Through song she brought great comfort to her great-grandfather on his deathbed.  Through song she has helped our home embrace a tone of love and celebration.

It is my firm belief that children can and do hear from God.  Just like adults, children can learn to distinguish God’s voice from the many others that are clamoring for their attention.  We begin by understanding that we listen and speak to God because we are in a relationship with him. He is our Father and he interacts with us.

All aspects of God’s character come from love, because God is love.  God will never be rude or selfish or hateful, and he will never speak to us in this manner. Instead his voice will be patient, kind, not bragging or prideful, not rude or self-seeking, not easily irritated; keeping no record of wrongs; not delighting in evil but rejoicing with truth. (1 Cor. 13:4-7) The gospels are a huge help in knowing the character of God. God is Christ-like.

Another way we can distinguish the voice of God is through tone. We know our mother’s voice because of the tone, or the way it sounds. It is similar with God. We can learn to hear his tone. God’s tone leads and invites us, instead of driving or pushing us. He is quiet, not loud.  We can also know if we heard from God by the effects of what we heard. His words bring peace, love and joy, not anger, worry, or discouragement.  We will be more hopeful, not hopeless. Our faith will be increased. We will be more understanding of others, rather than hating others or thinking we are better than others.

Consider a silent listening prayer before dinner or quiet listening time before bed as spots in the day to cultivate listening. I love to hear what my children hear from God. After they share, we ask, does that sound like something God would say. Does it follow the tone of scripture, is the character like Christ? If so, we go with it.

In what ways are your children hearing from God?

By the way, much of the above material was borrowed from Dallas Willard’s Hearing God, and Jan Johnson’s Learning to Hear God, A Personal Retreat Guide. You didn’t think I figured this out on my own, did you?

I can’t do it all.

I’m asked pretty frequently, “How do you do it all?” It is true, I am a DMIN student at George Fox Evangelical Seminary. It is true, I homeschool my two daughters. orchestra, piano, violin, soccer practice, yes.  It is true I serve as a spiritual director with children. Yep, I garden, yep, we've got some chickens, yep, I do some writing, and some speaking. That is all true. Mostly when I hear this I want to say, “You don’t have the whole story.”

The whole story is that I don’t do it all. The whole story has at least two more parts. One is that I have learned to say, “No.” The tasks I am engaged in are things I have thought about and prayed about. I do not do them because I have been manipulated into doing them. I do not do them because I feel some sort of external or internal pressure to do them.  I am not climbing ladders, and I am not trying to please the crowd. And in fact I am not overly busy. I have time to enjoy a glass of port almost every evening. I have time to have at least one long chat with my Dad everyday. I have learned to say "No" to TV, "No" to hours on social media, and "No" to time sucking gossip.  Granted the tasks that make up my day are not all unicorns and rainbows, but they are ones I have discerned where  I can work in sync with the Kingdom with effectiveness and joy.  When I am asked to add another "to do", I pass the invitation through this lens. It has helped me to remember that just because I have the skills or an open space of time does not warrant saying, “Yes.”

The second part is that I do not do any of these things alone. I am not a one woman band. I have a fleet of excellent professors and advisers at George Fox, they believe I can do this and they support me along the way. My husband is one of the smartest men I know, he takes the hard math and science questions. Over the years my parents have become tremendous support.  I am a member of a small group that has been meeting for two years, we are multigenerational and the sustenance we offer one another is paramount. It was for certain paramount last Sunday, when they gently reminded me that I cannot do it all and further I'm not even expected to.  I constantly draw insight and intelligence from my spiritual direction with children colleagues. I meet with a spiritual director regularly. Really this list could go on for days.

My confession is that sometimes I do feel overwhelmed.  I, now, understand that when I feel this way; it is time to take a look at my life.  It’s time to take a break and discern if I have bought into the lie that I can do it all.

The truth of the matter is that life is better lived intentionally. Prevalent joy in our work, even difficult work, can be had when we are intentional.  A “boot strap” life is lonely and frankly I could never pull it off. (Think about that a minute.) As I grow older I much prefer the “Birkenstock life*.” Indulge me here…I can’t run in Birkenstocks. If I try they will fly off and hit the nearest child.  Just saying. Further, when walking in Birkenstocks on a dirt road, rocks frequently sneak into my shoes, just to get me to stop and look around a bit.  But if I need a shoe that will help me walk a steady, intentional, no frills, pace with others, this is a good choice.

So how about you? What's your current shoe choice? (metaphorically speaking) What does this say about your life? Time to take a discerning look at your life, your use of time, your commitments?

*Birkenstocks is the metaphor I'm using for the "going slowly and intentionally life."

"Still Good" Saturday: Big Seed-Little People

This blog was posted in its original form at www.Renovare.org. A curious phenomenon occurs in elementary schools each year as children meander into their classrooms for the first time. Children scan the room looking for their desk, their locker, their space. Then they plunk backpacks down and begin a process of dominating their spaces. Some children arrange these spaces for as long as the person in charge will let them, others unload haphazardly, but all will settle their goods in their kingdom. Similar behavior can be seen on this first day in the lunch room, on the playground, and usually during Physical Education class.

Physical Education, class because laying kingdom boundaries has a definite connection to the body, the practical tool of carrying out the human will. This wonderful phenomenon is also observed, sometimes with shock and other times with elation, by new parents as their formerly soft and sweet baby begins to assert her independence in the form of tantrums and grand declarations of, “No” and “I can do it.” This is not a switch in personality, but a seed that is planted in every human by God.

In the natural world, seeds take time to germinate and push their spouts up through the protective dirt. This precious seed in children follows a similar route, pushing up through protective family members declaring to the world razor sharp dominion.  The Bible calls this seed the image of God; placing this seed in human beings is the pinnacle act of the creation story.

Each child has been born with the image of God. Without being told or prompted they declare their dominion. Naming is an example of an exercise in dominion easily seen in children. In Genesis 2 God names Adam and rivers. Adam functions in his dominion by naming animals.  Children naturally name and have a desire to know the names of people and things around them.  They instinctively know they were born to rule. But how they rule determines the fullness with which they will bear the image of God.

Within them they contain the capacity for relationship with God. As this relationship grows they will learn to govern with love of God and neighbor as guiding principles. They can grow in the reality of the kingdom of God and the fullness of his image. Although the theology behind the image of God can be complex, explaining the image of God to children doesn’t have to be. Children are innately aware of their own dominion. They also have less social baggage that can get in the way of seeing God and growing in his image. The Wisdom book of Proverbs speaks of this training.  As parents and trainers of children we are to train children to see and live from the image of God within them.

We introduce them to their relational life with God, while training them to govern their kingdom from the place of the image within.

On Suffering and Memories

A good friend of mine’s husband has been battling cancer for a while now. They are the kind of family that everyone loves, totally committed to God and such people of faith. During this journey they have seen amazing miracles when the doctors said such and such would happen and it didn’t and great seasons when it looked like all was well, then one day it wasn’t. Today is looks to be that he may be entering into his last days. Personally I cannot imagine what is going on in the heart and mind of my friend or her children, to be where you have to say goodbye to one of the closest person in your life… words fail me. The other day, the children and I were reading our daily Good Dirt devotional, it was in Mark 14 when Jesus and his disciples were in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus prayed in full faith, “Father all things are possible for you, remove this cup from me.” And it stuck me, Jesus in all of his humanity and all of his godhood, he desired to be removed from suffering. He prayed this prayer over and over again that night and although this may not be a huge revelation for most, to me it was a comfort. Jesus was prefect and yet in his perfection he still longed to be free from suffering and pain. I long for the same, I long that my friends would be freed from suffering and pain and from the pain that separation brings. Yet, sin is in our world and with that pain, suffering and death come to.

So everyday since, as I daily pray for my friends, I look for ways to celebrate each day with my children. For life is short and we truly never know how many more days we have together. My daughter is currently obsessed with the story “Curious George goes camping” desiring it to be read daily and asking regularly when we get to go camping. For many days I said “maybe someday” thinking of when we could be in a place where poisons snakes and malaria carrying mosquitoes do not lurk in the night. But after this I thought we better make it today. So we put up a tent in the bedroom and pulled all the cushions off the couch, we roasted marshmallows over the stove using forks and stayed up late watching a movie. We took a night off and made some memories.

In that same day of devotions, we were asked, “What is something you pray for?” Well I pray for a long life so that my children will have a lifetime of memories with me to help them endure the separation that death brings, and I pray that the God of Peace would grant his peace upon my friend, her family and every other family like theirs who’s family members life was not long enough and they endure the pain of separation too soon. I pray that every day, we would remember that each day is about making memories and not about routines or schedules, about relationships and life with God above all else. Those are just some of the things I pray for.

"Still Good" Saturday: A Conversation with God-Children and Prayer

This blog in it's original form was posted at www.Renovare.org I’m not sure who learned the most. Really I’m sure, but let me have my dignity for just a moment.

It was the first day of deer hunting season so I knew the church would be nearly vacant. I was right.  As I was gathering my wits for the Preschool Sunday School class, Jeffery meandered in, head hung low, frown draped across his face.

I mustered up a jolly, “Hello.”

And Jeffery shot back, “Guess it’s just me and you.”

This room is familiar to him and so am I. I see him every week.

“Well Jeffery, should we start by talking with God?”

“No,” he said, “I don’t know how.”

“Talking to God is just like talking to me. You can do it anytime or anywhere…. Bla, bla, bla…”

Jeffery had long since tuned me out and began playing with the glue and the glitter. Frankly I had tuned me out. Talking about prayer is like talking about eating ice cream or riding a roller coaster, words pale in comparison to the real thing.

Finally, I quit talking and watched Jeffery. He had opened the Beginners Bible to the story of Noah. “Read this to me he said.”

So I did.

“Let’s make some art.” He said.

So we did.

We found every color of glitter and paint we could imagine. We made the most sparkly rainbow ever. The best detail was the angel beside the rainbow, a big beautiful brown angel with yellow wings and just behind the brown I could see kind eyes and a huge red smile.

I said, “Your angel, he’s smiling.”

“The angel is wearing God’s smile.” He said.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“He told me.” Jeffery said while adding a last splash of gold glitter.

I suppressed the urge for one more teaching lecture how listening to God is prayer, and how art can also be prayer.

Instead I picked up the green glitter and prayed.

This weekend break out the art supplies with your littlest people, maybe read a Bible story, or how about Psalm 150… then pray. Don’t use words…